I’ve realized something about myself that really needs work. I really hold a grudge against those with an anti-Conservative viewpoint. I used to hate Catholics and now I’m just indifferent. I hated how teenagers smoke drank and had sex with each other like bunny rabbits, and now, I’m having a hard time loving sinners and hating sin. In other words, I still struggle with hating people. I try to forgive, but it’s a process that can take decades. I used to throw tantrums when people censor me, now I don’t care if I’m heard or not. I watch TV shows or listen to music that makes me feel dirty and guilty afterwards, yet it’s not what goes into a man that is unclean but what comes out is unclean (Matthew 15:11). Now I’m at the point where I can watch anything except rape, cult rituals, and certain scenes in movies with people swearing in tirades. And yet, even I swear too much offline sometimes.
I’m a strange man, yet I believe in God. How can I live with such a double standard that’s so hard to even let God correct? In other words, how can I be human when deep down, I want to be a hard robot that can systematically walk away from my mistakes and move on? Who I am is in between what I want to be and what I am.
Welcome to the human condition. It’s worse with Aspergers. I may just have to keep incing forward, even if I have to crawl. If I keep looking at my mistakes and not forgiving myself, I’ll be stuck in them and honestly never be corrected. Luckily, I have a loving wife, siblings and a few close friends to keep me on track. I also think that blogging about this publicly keeps me accountable as well.