Last year I took some time to reflect while enjoying the wild that is the Spirit Sands south of Carberry, Manitoba.
I’ve realized something last year. Influence in community is really the only thing I’m deeply searching for, even though I prefer solitude as an artist. I just keep looking for it in the wrong places. I’ve always valued being heard and listened to, but in the end, it doesn’t get me anywhere. The truth is that I’m not a good leader as much as I want to be. I’m an inspiration. I’m a person who makes others think. I don’t change a person’s life. I show them doors to walk through. Pushing people to open those doors never ends well. Only an audience member can decide to succumb to the things I say or the example I lead.
After figuring this out, I’m not opposed to living a life in service to others without a dream. I’m not opposed to representing a small circle of people or small town who share a common goal. I think just doing my part on my own turf is all the influence I need to achieve the significance and community I’ve been looking for.
My wife and I were discussing how difficult life in Winnipeg can be just due to the pace and demanding mentality of the world around us. She wants to move back to a simpler life in the country just working simple well paying jobs and encouraging a small niche community. I don’t blame her. While I doubt this exists, I feel a desire to look for a life that can compliment my struggle with Aspergers. I’m at the point where there’s too much “noise” and “speed” in my life and I’m just scraping by. I need to live life that’s more quiet and as “properly paced” as possible. I’m not saying I should isolate or drop everything, but some of what I live for means nothing now and I have to let go of it over the past year. I think I can manage life better once I live for others almost completely. Perhaps moving into the country may not necessarily be the solution, but it will be a place where we can focus as a family and enjoy God’s beauty. After being refreshed, we would go about our work in our small groups where we fit, and just let things organically grow from there.