Honestly Broken

“There is more hope in honest brokenness than in the pretense of false wholeness.” – Jamie Arpin-Ricci

Hello, my name is Aaron and I have a problem. I’m a computer/media addict. I’ve been binge watching a lot of Netflix shows and have also been getting into some of the Arrow-verse series in large marathons as of late. The truth is that my musical writer’s block and a lot of the recent daily socialization that is required in my life has been wearing me down to mental and even physical exhaustion. Sometimes live performances at an open mic combat the pain with a high, but that euphoria soon disappears and leaves me with a couple of hours on Tuesdays to vegetate before I go to work until Saturday nights, slaving in an environment where I need constant bathroom breaks because I’m really nervous around people.

I’m probably about to cross a line where I share too much information but let’s be honest; this very shame often pushes me deeper into myself. After that, it soon begins to poison me emotionally. Being able to blog about my own brokenness with genuine vulnerability when it is hard for me to express it in person due to AS can be healthy a lot of times. It’s an important step towards finding a sustainable and manageable life in the future. It also keeps me from feeling sorry for myself and also accountable with those who read posts like this. Don’t worry, though, I try not to mention names in this blog or post pictures of other people unless they’re known by the general public. I won’t go into details of my sexual history or the abuse I went through in my past. But I will say enough if it leads to encouragement of those few who actually come in contact with this blog.

If I were to be completely honest, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. I want to live another life; a life where I was able to make money and have more of an influence on man-kind. I want more control over my circumstances than my struggle with autism to have control over me. All I can feel is internal conflict. Me versus myself. Me versus machine. Me versus humanity, and in return, mankind versus me. The struggles just keeps going on. I’m not suicidal but I lack so much wisdom to the point where I don’t see a future for myself here anymore. Burdens just constantly keep piling onto my back.  I just feel like I’m crawling through life, barely breathing. The mountains in front of me are just too high to climb. I just need to know that God’s grace is really as sufficient for me as He claims it is.

I need a break from this blog for a bit.